What No One Tells You About Growing Up...

It's terrifying.
Have you ever graduated from college?? Okay, this is my first time, so maybe I'm over-exaggerating. But, I'm pretty sure I'm having the same breakdown that every college graduate has. My heart and mind are being tugged in three different directions: 
Assignments are all due next Tuesday or Wednesday. Trash.
I just booked a flight to Korea and now have to prepare myself to leave after Christmas. Trash.
Graduation is next week which means announcements need to be mailed, and parties need to be planned. Trash.


I'm trying to do a piece of all three of these things each day until next Tuesday or Wednesday, and as soon as I finish my assignments and have booked my flight (check, by the way) and have mailed all letters and planned the two parties, I'm taking a really long nap. Praise the Lord. So, from Wednesday around 6 to Thursday around noon, consider me gone. I'm sleeping and not talkin' to anybody. Yup, that's my plan.


Now don't get me wrong. I am beyond excited about walking across that stage and proudly stating that I am finally a college grad. I am beyond excited to pack up my dorm room for the very last time and never have to go back. I am beyond excited to go to Korea. I am beyond excited about being in Byers near my church family and my Aaron.


I am also extremely sad. 


I'm gonna miss talks with my PaePae, walking into her office, closing the door and drawing the blinds because I cannot hold in my tears long enough to make it to my room; seeing her apartment door cracked and excitedly jumping on the couch next to her to watch whatever random thing is on her television; chanting, "Da Pae Pae" along with the rest of my Guynes family. I'm gonna miss my Pastor Peggy.


I'm gonna miss playin' racqball and studying with Maxey, getting texts from Alicia asking for my cheer help, listening to great speakers in chapel, smiling and talking to Ms. Minnie, Ms. Pat, Ms. Prudy, the smiley guy in the main line, and all of the other caf workers. 


I'm gonna miss the entire English Department--Ms. Bernecker, Ms. Jones, Mrs. George, Cameron Bishop, Dr. Montgomery, Dr. Amy and Dr. A, and most of all, Mrs. Lewis, my boss and my friend, who has helped mold and guide my college experience through prayer and advice about academics and simply life.


I'm gonna miss my roommates--gosh I've had a bunch of them--who have helped define my college years. My Anon, who has been my roommate for 2 years, who has become so much more of a woman than she was 2 years ago, who keeps me accountable and who has become my best friend--who says friends can't be roommates? Ha, the key is to be a roommate first, and then a friend. We have made a habit of leaving for summer and barely staying in touch then picking up where we left off when we see each other again. I'm really good at doing that with most people. But, in this case, she and I have to work on staying in touch. Because this time, I'm not leaving then coming back after winter...and that's so weird and saddening.


Your definition of growing up may be different, and your experience in growing up may be different. But, take each moment in stride because the joy that comes in growing up has an extreme sadness alongside it. Enjoy each happiness ya have before you have to leave it--that's for any moment in life. :)

Who Makes Your Decisions?

In my family, I am the decision-maker. I have the loudest voice and strongest opinion; therefore, my family has no need to ask anyone else for a decision. I decide Italian or Mexican, theater or rental, two cars or suburban.


In my dorm-room, I am the decision-maker. I have been at the school the longest and am in my last semester of school; therefore, I do what I want. Sounds obnoxious, huh? Well, my roommates are some of the most passive people I know, so they never really fight. Erin is my sister, so she already know me. Autumn has been my roommate for 2 years and understands my stubborn ways; when I'm too ridiculous, she puts me in line. Jessica and Okeivia got stuck with Erin, Anon, and I, but I think they enjoy our random outbursts of insanity...or at least, I hope they do. ;)


In my relationship, I am not the decision-maker; but don't tell Aaron because I'm pretty sure I've fooled him into thinking that I've fooled myself into thinking that I have it under control. Did you follow that? Me neither. Anyway, he makes the decisions until we'll on the other side of Dean, and he asks, "Where do you wanna go?" Then the door of my mind busts wide open, and I have to decide for the both of us about where we should eat. Here is the monologue that happens in my head:
I don't like Cracker Barrel, but he does, so we should go there.
But does he want a fast-food-feel instead of a full sit-down? We could go to Fuzzy's.
But it's not Tuesday, so we wouldn't get the cheap tacos, and he just made a budget, so we shouldn't spend too much money.
By that time, we've crossed the bridge, so he nudges me with his elbow and asks again, "Huh? Where do you wanna eat?"
I look up at him to stall time as my monologue continues:
We agree that Applebee's isn't as good as Chili's, but I have Chili's in Wax.
Parkway has good burgers, but there's not a good game on, and I'd rather watch a game if we go there.
We ate at Cheddar's last week, but again, it's a little expensive.
McAlister's isn't as expensive; I could get a water and drink his sweet tea--which he hates.
He looks down at me and raises his eyebrows. "Huh?" he asks.
The pressure's on, so I say, "Uhhhhmmmmm," as I continue my monologue:
I hate B-Dubs and won't go there.
I wish we had a Carino's because I love that place.
"I don't care," I finally say, exhaling all the air I've held in my lungs.
He rolls his eyes toward me because he knows about the monologue that has gone on in my head. "You don't care?" he asks.
I shrug my shoulders. "Gimme some options."


That is literally our conversation every time we go to Wichita.


I looooove making decisions when Aaron's not involved. When he's involved, I want him to make all of the decisions; I want him to take care of me. Is that lame? Yah, probably. But I like to be taken care of, especially by the boy who likes to take care of me.
I just giggled to myself. It's okay if you rolled your eyes.

When My Confidence is Shaken

I am more myself now than I have ever been in my entire life.  


The past three and a half years have transformed me into, well, me.
I remember watching movies and dreaming about being a woman who held her head high and had strong morals and did everything she needed to do in order to have a perfect life.
My life is faaaar from perfect, but I am finally in a place in my life where I can walk in that confidence that I've always dreamed about having.


In a month, that confidence will be shaken. 
I will have a nerdy, fun party with all of my friends; I will rehearse walking across the stage in flats, and later that evening, I will get all dolled up and walk across the SAGU stage in heels for the last time in my official undergraduate career. I will then go to dinner with my family, and when I'm back in my bare room, under my bright red covers, I'll probably cry.
Depressing, nah. I just know that December 9th, 2011 will close a chapter in my life like May 23rd, 2008 closed a chapter in my life. On May 23rd, I was relieved, ready to get out of Hominy to start my new plan; on December 9th, I will be terrified of leaving Waxahachie.


The confidence I've seen in women in movies has been found in financial status, men, and the idea of a perfect life. The reason I'll be able to actually get out of bed and finish pack on December 10th will not come from the fact that I have money--because I will still have a small but significant amount of debt; it will not come from the fact that I have a boyfriend--although his "Good morning beautiful" texts sure do help; and it will not come from a grand plan of a perfect life--because I have none. As cheesy and cliche as it sounds, the confidence I'll be able to rely on will come from God, the same Source I've had since I actually decided to give my full life to Him on May 14th, 2009, a page in my life that will forever hold a bookmark.


So the me you see now is true. Change--my clothes, my hairstyle--grow hair grow!, my opinions, my relationship status, my living situation--is inevitable, and I will embrace it as it comes; but one thing will remain the same: my hope, my strength, my joy, my confidence is in the Lord. He has been faithful as I have learned to trust Him, so I'll continue to trust Him.

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains--
where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth."

Psalm 121:1-2

Something I'd Write About

I was chatting with Aaron about a new blog post, and upon asking what I should write, he said, "You should write about the weather change, and why you like to wear scarves and all that stuff. That seems like something you'd write about."
I couldn't help but chuckle because it's so true--the weather change is enough to make me shout for joy! I looooooove winter. I never had a full appreciation for it until I had my cute, red peacoat though. I know that sounds completely lame, but the truth is that when you have something cute, you want to wear it! And when that something cute can only be worn during the winter, you want winter!

This winter is especially exciting for me.
I am graduating in a MONTH on December 9th, which means no more classes--until I decide to start grad school--and moving out of my dorm, which is a little bit sad because Guynes has been my home for 3 1/2 years, and third floor has been my only way of working out for 3 1/2 years, and Anon has been my roommate for 2 years. Moving out will be sad; however, moving to Byers will be ohmyword so exciting! I don't know the details of that move, but I'm really excited for it to finally happen.
Because I'm moving to Byers, I'll get to spend all of my snow days in Byers, which means Aaron and I will be drinking lots of hot chocolate and watching Elf lots of times---that is, if it snows. Which also means I'll be playing in the snow with teenagers, and who doesn't like playing in the snow with teenagers who are willing to do the most daring thing you dare?!


Winter is my favorite time of the year, and it is finally here. Not today, of course, because the weather is 70ish degrees, and I'm wearing a t-shirt, but soon Winter will smile and let the snow fall from the sky...and I'll talk more about how I like to wear scarves and stuff... you know, because that seems like something I'd write about. ;)

Gravel is Not Conducive for Bike-Riding

When I was about seven, my older sister and I decided to have a friendly bike race down my Mawmaw and Pawpaw's driveway. I'd been riding back and forth for a while, so I accepted the challenge.


We got on our bicycles--one of us was on the coveted red bike that had a speedometer and the other one of us was on the banana-seated bike that was extremely uncomfortable to one's hindquarters--and took off. The driveway is maybe thirty yards, and I knew that a down and back race would not take my breath away, especially since I was in such great shape for a seven year old.

At about the 25-yard mark, my bike tripped on gravel. No, that does not sound like it could make sense, but I remember: I did not swerve; a stick was not in the way; my bike simply tripped over a rock or something and threw me off. I went flying into the air--I'm pretty sure I was winning because my sister saw the whole thing, from behind, of course--and landed on my face. 
My teeth actually broke my fall. Lucky me.


I don't remember getting up; I don't remember the blood; I do remember sitting on the counter in my Mawmaw's kitchen and hearing Kriston apologizing a thousand times although the wreck wasn't even her fault.


Today, pieces of my front four teeth--top two and bottom two--are fake. I don't think I have a whole fake tooth, but all four of them have a bit of falseness to them. 
However, the bike wreck didn't cause all four of them to be fake. I've learned several other lessons in nature besides gravel+bike=wreck. But, those lessons I will share later...when I don't have other assignments due.