When My Confidence is Shaken

I am more myself now than I have ever been in my entire life.  


The past three and a half years have transformed me into, well, me.
I remember watching movies and dreaming about being a woman who held her head high and had strong morals and did everything she needed to do in order to have a perfect life.
My life is faaaar from perfect, but I am finally in a place in my life where I can walk in that confidence that I've always dreamed about having.


In a month, that confidence will be shaken. 
I will have a nerdy, fun party with all of my friends; I will rehearse walking across the stage in flats, and later that evening, I will get all dolled up and walk across the SAGU stage in heels for the last time in my official undergraduate career. I will then go to dinner with my family, and when I'm back in my bare room, under my bright red covers, I'll probably cry.
Depressing, nah. I just know that December 9th, 2011 will close a chapter in my life like May 23rd, 2008 closed a chapter in my life. On May 23rd, I was relieved, ready to get out of Hominy to start my new plan; on December 9th, I will be terrified of leaving Waxahachie.


The confidence I've seen in women in movies has been found in financial status, men, and the idea of a perfect life. The reason I'll be able to actually get out of bed and finish pack on December 10th will not come from the fact that I have money--because I will still have a small but significant amount of debt; it will not come from the fact that I have a boyfriend--although his "Good morning beautiful" texts sure do help; and it will not come from a grand plan of a perfect life--because I have none. As cheesy and cliche as it sounds, the confidence I'll be able to rely on will come from God, the same Source I've had since I actually decided to give my full life to Him on May 14th, 2009, a page in my life that will forever hold a bookmark.


So the me you see now is true. Change--my clothes, my hairstyle--grow hair grow!, my opinions, my relationship status, my living situation--is inevitable, and I will embrace it as it comes; but one thing will remain the same: my hope, my strength, my joy, my confidence is in the Lord. He has been faithful as I have learned to trust Him, so I'll continue to trust Him.

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains--
where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth."

Psalm 121:1-2